It's amazing how going to a meeting about signing your first child up for Kindergarten can make you all nostalgic. We went to this meeting tonight...for the first time in my life. I will have a Kindergartener. I know it's probably not that huge to most of you, but to me, it's huge. I just can't believe that Makayla is five years old and next year she will be in school all. day. long.
So we went to orientation tonight and I got overwhelmed with information. I still don't know what I'm supposed to do to get her set up, but I'm sure I'll figure it out! While we were there, they were talking about the kids riding the bus and I immediately thought, 'We don't live that far from the school! I'll take her every day. No biggie!' Then Adam asks her if she wants to ride the bus or have Mommy take her and she says, 'The bus!!', with MUCH enthusiasm I might add. And I literally started to tear up when I heard her say that. I just can't imagine her getting on that bus every day for school. I can't. And yet, next school year, we'll be doing just that.
Right now she goes to preschool three days a week for two hours each time. Not much time away from her Mommy. We spend all of our days together. Granted, I don't always use my time with my children wisely like I should, but we are always together. I get frustrated more than I should. I get angry more than I should. I get annoyed more than I should.
And today I realized how quickly time passes. My baby, the one who made me a Mommy, will be in Kindergarten this August. It makes me sad. It will be so hard for me to let her go even though there are times right now where I can't wait for her to be in school all day long. It stings to write those words. That I can't wait for her to be gone. Because once that time comes, there is no going back. She will be in school more than she will be at home with me.
Have I done everything I have wanted to do with her? I know she's still here and obviously she will still be living at home for a long, long time, but going from spending all of our days together to just not is going to be very difficult for me. And for her, I'm sure. She loves preschool right now, but it's such a small dose that going all day, every day will be a huge transition. I know that if we need to, we can pull her out and I can homeschool her. It wouldn't be my ideal situation because I know how easily stressed I get and I don't think I'm the most suitable teacher for my girls, but if things get crazy, we always have that option. That's good to remember.
I need to focus on the positive more than the negative. I'm not sure why that's so difficult for me. I'm exploring it all right now...looking internally a lot. Why I do the things I do even when I don't want to do them. It's hard. I'm in a hard place right now. Wanting all this time to myself yet wanting my babies near. I clearly can't live in both worlds and I need to stop being so selfish with my time. I need to enjoy my children while they are still here. I need to figure out how to get Makayla to be comfortable sharing her feelings with me so that when issues do come up, she knows she can talk to me about it. I don't ever want her to feel like she can't confide in me. Sure our relationship will change over time. I always want our home to be a place that my daughters can come and just rest. That they can freely talk without ever feeling judged or like I'm trying to change their mind on something. I want them to just be. How do I do that? I'm not sure yet. I clearly haven't done a very good job so far in her little life because she covers her ears all the time and then I end up giving up and just yelling about whatever is going on. That's the problem right now. I fly off the handle so quickly that my girls know that I'm not emotionally stable. They have no idea how I will react to the same situation every time. What a sad place for them to live. And for me to live.
Whew. Obviously this is a lot. I wasn't trying to go down this rabbit hole, but it happened. Apparently I needed to get this stuff off my mind and on to some paper, of sorts. If I want my girls to confide in me and be able to talk to me, I need to have more self-control. It's SO hard for me. This is undeniably what God is teaching me in this season of life. Thank the Lord that my time is not up yet. That Makayla IS still at home more than she's not. That I CAN change my attitude towards life. That I CAN have more self-control. That I CAN teach my girls the right way to live.
Told you kindergarten orientation messed me up big time.