So, last week, our social worker came a day early. We had a great visit and she said our home study would be done by the end of this week. She's going on vacation, so it was totally perfect. A little too perfect, obviously....
I told our social worker about what was going on with Addison and while I do want to have full disclosure, I probably wouldn't have said anything to her if I thought that it would have stopped our home study process.
Well, it has. I got an email from her today saying that she contacted our agency's director and she thinks we should hold off until we know more about Addi. Talk about defeated. I was blasted with that after having a great day with my family who came in for my mom's surprise birthday party that was on Friday (the 15th). More on that later, too.
Anyway, I was distraught. Going between being furious, sad, defeated, mad, irate and everything in between. It was really, really hard. Still is.
I called our agency's director and left a message, but I was so stinking distraught that I had Adam call her about an hour later and when he called her, she said that she was just about to call me back. She listened to my message and could hear how upset I was. I don't sugarcoat very well.
So, basically what she said was that she needs more information about Addi before they can finish our home study just due to the paperwork part of it. If she does have something wrong with her, we'll have to get a doctor's letter with the diagnosis. BUT, she said she still wants to have our home study done by then end of July. Well, we probably won't know anything more by the end of July, so I don't really know what's going on.
I'm still really discouraged, but Adam seems to think that what she said was encouraging, so we'll go with that, I guess.
I was praying on the way to my mom's tonight and I was really pissed. I let God have it. (Not that He can't handle it and that He didn't already know, because He did) I was furious and couldn't believe how we could come this far to just be STOPPED dead in our tracks, you know? So, then after I was done, I turned on the radio and this song by Sanctus Real came on (The Redeemer) and it just brought everything into perspective. Here's the beginning of the song:
Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again
Oh my word, the Lord spoke to me through that song!!! And after it was over, I apologized to the Lord for my heart, my words, thoughts and actions towards Him just moments prior. And I realized that He has stopped our home study (if only for a week or so) just so that I CAN focus on Addi. I was very bitter earlier because I thought that this was stopping me from focusing on her and how could they do this to me the day before her big appointment???
But, I was feeding into satan's lies and I let him win that round. But, the Lord brought it back. He really did and I am so thankful. So, I'm going to bed tonight still a little disappointed, but knowing that this time is necessary for me to focus on my sweet little Addi and get everything taken care of. This way, there are no secrets, no lies and no regrets. Everything is the way it's supposed to be. And I love that the Lord brought me full circle. There was a lot of pain in that, but He has us right where He wants us. And as Adam has been saying all night, 'We're not on our timetable. This is all the Lord's.'
So thankful for that wise husband of mine. And so thankful for the revelations of the Lord. He really is so good.
"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." -Ephesians 1:11-12