As I was putting Addison down for her nap this morning, I was praying to the Lord. I feel so defeated right now, so alone and forgotten. Helpless. So, I pray. I pray that He hasn't forgotten us (which I know He hasn't!!). I pray that His will be done, not mine.
As I was praying these things, the Lord led me to Psalm 139. He seriously laid it on my heart out of nowhere. I was impatiently waiting for Addison to finish eating so I could grab my Bible and see what this gem had to say. As soon as I opened it, I knew. It was meant just for me, on this very day, for this very reason.
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
God knows exactly where I am right now. He knows that I feel hopeless and helpless. And honestly? I think that's right where He wants me right now. He wants me to not share this burden with anyone else because He wants me to go to HIM. Nobody else understands. They don't get it, but He does. He knows exactly how I'm feeling before I even say it.
I know the Lord will move mountains. I am confident that He has called us on this journey to adopt and that He will bring it to fruition. In His timing. I cannot rush the Lord. (HAHA! Like I thought that was even possible!)
As I was praying during Addison's second naptime feeding, I was laying it all before the Lord. Every worry, every stress, every anxious thought. And you know what He whispered to me? 'Wait.' That's it.
So, I am laying every worry, every need, every desire, every stress at the foot of the Cross. It brings me no joy to hold onto these things, so why should I? God is instructing me to wait. I need to hold onto Him during this journey and only Him. I'm clinging to the Cross. He will bring everything in His time and I will wait for that. If it weren't for Jesus, this adoption wouldn't be happening anyway, so why should I worry about how it will all play out?
I am resting in the wait, Lord.
Please go read this blog post written by a missionary in Uganda. She is so faithful to Jesus and even though mine is on a much smaller scale, I pray these prayers with her.