Do you ever feel like you're constantly waiting for the next best thing to happen? Like, if this happened, then I'll be happy.
If I lost those last 5 pounds, then I'll be happy.
If I move out of this place, then I'll be happy.
If I get my degree, then I'll be happy.
If I get everything done on my to do list, then I'll be happy.
If I get all the laundry done, then I'll be happy.
For me, it's moving into our new house. Then I'll be happy. I'm waiting for my craft room. Right now, everything is all over the place. My scrapbooking stuff is in Makayla's closet AND downstairs. My sewing stuff is in the kitchen (packed away) AND in our bedroom, strewn all over the place.
I have things that I'm saving specifically for our new house. Like these bath salts that I got from one of my reviews. We have a bath tub here, but I don't use it. But in our new house, we're getting a garden tub in our master bathroom, so I'm saving them for then. Maybe I'll miraculously start taking baths or something.
We haven't hung anything on the walls here because we know that we're moving in a few months. It's kinda sad, but we decided not to hang anything so we wouldn't have to patch up the holes when we leave. We also have boxes (in the garage and basement) that haven't been unpacked yet. We just figured, 'why unpack it just to pack it again?'. And it's clearly stuff we don't need/use because we haven't needed it yet. Though Adam did find is sweaters in there, so maybe that's where my bathroom trash cans are? Hmmm....
Anyway, I'm so sick of living in the future. Why? Why do I do that to myself? Why can't I live in the present? Today is a present and I need to start thinking like that every day. Today is a gift. And I want to unwrap it and soak it all in. Every day.
I'm also sick of not doing stuff because I'm worried about schedules and Makayla not getting her nap and me not getting my alone time. I think it's good for moms to have time to themselves, but I make it a HUGE priority for M to get her nap every day and I even make her wait to go to sleep until Addison's second nap, JUST so I can get some time to myself. That's probably awful, but it's my sanity time. I know M can get through the day without a nap. I hate it and she's not the most well behaved little girl by the end of the day, but we can do it. And sometimes that needs to happen so that we can go do something else. I'm sick of being confined to these four walls. Sick of it.
I want to live. I don't want to have such a defeatist attitude about, um, everything. I can do it. I can take my girls out BY MYSELF and everything will be fine. I know I really limit myself on most things. Like, for instance, M doesn't like to wear her coat in the car, so I don't make her. Well, then when we get to the store or to my mom's house, I have to put it on her and it takes 1,000 times longer. And when we go to my mom's, I just carry her in without her coat on. But, if she had her coat on when we got there, I could get both the girls in at the same time.
I know I'm going off on a tangent, but it's just really bothering me. I can do this. I can do stuff. I'm sick of 'living' in these four walls. Adam and I never take the girls anywhere when he gets home from work. Never. It's so sad. And I know it would be really good for Makayla to go out and see the world.
So, I'm just sick of it. And I'm going to change it. I'm not waiting for tomorrow or for my house to be built (which really has nothing to do with not going anywhere, but that's where I started this) or for the girls to get older.
I'm doing it today. I'm going to find things for us to do. I will go to the store with both of them.
And you know what?
It's all gonna be fine. I've been the limit on my own life and no more.
No freaking more.