29 May 2010

Thoughts.

As I sit here typing this, I am 36 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I feel like I am just D.O.N.E. being pregnant. But at the same time, I feel like I need to relish these last few weeks instead of wishing them away. I absolutely love being pregnant, which I know I have said millions of times on this blog, but it still remains true. I love it.

I love finding out I'm pregnant. I love the first ultrasound. I love feeling the first kicks. I love finding out the sex of the baby. I love the nonstop kicks in the middle of the night. I love the first time Adam gets to feel the baby kick inside me. I love all of the exciting newness that comes with having an addition about to join the family. I love getting the room ready. I love washing all the clothes. And this time, I have loved buying all the cloth diapers, drooling over them and washing them, too. Also this time, I have loved watching Makayla get so excited about her little sister. She already has a bond with this little girl that none of us have met. I love being pregnant.

Of course, there are some things that suck about being pregnant, but not many, in my opinion. Sure, you get stretch marks, but who cares. How many people really see your stomach anyway? Not to mention they fade over time anyway. Yeah, the boobs are never the same, but they nourished your child. Can you really complain about that? I sure can't.

The things I will complain about? Having to pee more than once an hour. Seriously? Why? I mean they tell you to drink water upon water upon water, but wow dude. Do they know how much pregnant women pee?? And in the middle of the night is the worst. All I want is a decent night's sleep! I know it's God's way of preparing me for my little bundle of (screaming) joy, but it still sucks. Who knows when I'll get to sleep again, am I right? Which leads me to my next complaint...

Not being able to get comfortable at night! I've got a body pillow and it's great, but my neck always seems to hurt and my right hip was hurting me for quite a while and now that pain has come back and I'm a stomach sleeper and OMG, the list goes on for this one. Also with this babe, I feel like she is A LOT lower than Makayla was. Sometimes when I get up from sitting, my pelvis just aches and I feel like her head is going to come out. Weird, I know.

I think that's all I can complain about, though. Not too bad, right? Okay one more thing. Having to pee in a cup at EVERY doctor's visit. I didn't have to do that with Makayla because we went on base and I guess they don't do that? I dunno, but this time, I've done it every.time. And it sucks. Especially since Makayla is standing right next to me, wondering what I'm doing and I'm a freaking whale now and can't even see my pee coming out, so that just adds to the chaos. It's fun. :) But that's really all I can complain about.

All of that being said, some days I am SO ready for little Addison to come. Other days, not so much. Like if Makayla and I are not meshing well, I'm pretty glad Addison isn't here yet because, could I really handle two kids while my oldest is peeing on the floor? Could I really handle a crying baby while my oldest is screaming because I turned off Dora? Could I really handle having two small people to sustain day in and day out? Could I really handle taking TWO kids under three to the store with me? On the bad days, I'm not so sure. But on the good days, I'm all, "Bring it on, suckas!". I will only know for certain when I actually have my two precious daughters in this house with me at the same time. Which I think is part of the reason I am so anxious for Addison to make her debut. I just want to know how I'm going to fare at this 'being a mother of two' thing. I'm curious for myself. I'm curious how Makayla will react once she figures out that we are going to have a baby here 24/7. I'm curious to see what Addison will look like, what her demeanor is going to be like, etc.

I'm also rather anxious about the birth. Not like I was with Makayla, though. I feel as though I were relatively calm when Makayla was born. I didn't even think I was in labor when we drove to the hospital that Christmas Day! With Makayla, everything was new. I didn't know what to expect at all, so there was that kind of anxious. This time, I feel like I want things to go as smoothly as they did while I was birthing Makayla, yet I'm not so sure they will. I do not want to get an epidural this time around, which kind of freaks me out and I don't know why. It's my decision, obviously and I know I can change my mind, but I'm still scared about not wanting one. But last time, I was so deathly scared of that large needle and everything turned out just fine. I could still slightly feel my contractions and all was well with the world. I'm also delivering at a different hospital, which may contribute to my anxiety. We did the tour and everything is pretty much the same, so I guess it's just that same fear of the unknown, but in a different way?

We also have a ton more stuff to do before she's born, which is freaking me out. Adam and I are dedicating this three day weekend to getting as much done as possible before she comes. Most of it is lame stuff like cleaning all the blinds and windows, but I feel it is a necessity because who knows when I'll be able to clean my windows again, am I right?! So Operation Get This House Ready For Baby starts tomorrow and shall commence on Monday evening. I told Adam if he works his butt off tomorrow and gets everything done, then we can chill for the rest of the weekend, so we'll see what happens. :) Like I said, not much of it is too labor intensive, but just things I feel NEED to get done before she comes, which could really be any second.

All of this to say, I need to just relax these next few weeks. Take care of business, but enjoy still being pregnant. I don't want to rush this baby out, though, some days I do. It's all very confusing and even I don't really know what I want. I just need to live in the moment and take it day by day.

We've been going for walks every day after dinner. I hope it's helping to push her down. At my appointment this past week, the doctor said I was measuring a little small so she thinks the baby may have dropped already, which is good.

I started reading On Becoming Babywise (again). I read it after I had Makayla and we started implementing is when she was about four months old. Ya know what? It really does work. But I failed as a first time mother because I thought my baby girl was teething and I didn't want her screaming in pain in the middle of the night. Call me a sucker, but I am not a mama willing to let her child suffer. I now know she was in fact NOT teething since she got her first tooth at 11 months old, but hey, ya live and learn and then get cloth diapers, right? (Get it? Instead of live and learn and then get Luvs? I know, I'm hilarious.) So. We are going to try it again this time. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard last time. After I read the book (in two days), I returned it (last time. This time, I'm keeping it.). Maybe that has something to do with it? I don't know. But I have recently seen some people with babies that are doing things and I think they're nuts! I don't want to go into detail on here, but I just don't want to be that person with my child, especially while already having a child!

After Makayla was born, the only way she would go to sleep was if we put her in her Baby Björn, turned on the exhaust fan over the stove and stood there, rocking back and forth, for AT LEAST half an hour. And, Lord help you if you stopped too soon. You'd have to start the entire process all over again for at least another half an hour. It was not pretty. And I do not want to be there again. After she fell asleep that way, we would lay her on our chest and lay on the couch and watch Friends reruns while she slept. It was nice downtime, but I would have rather taught her how to fall asleep on her own, in her own crib at a much earlier age. She would also fall asleep if we drove around for hours on end. She would scream and scream and scream and then BAM! fall asleep. So we'd have to drive around for a while just to make sure she was sleeping, then we'd come home, leave her in her carseat (but you had to get out of the car REALLY fast) and put her in the papasan chair. In the carseat. It was a sight to behold. We'd put the chair on vibrate and leave the room. Sometimes it worked like a charm and she'd sleep for hours. Other times, she'd be up in 15 minutes, screaming her head off again. I'm not sure why we did this to ourselves when there really is another way.

So yes, we're doing Babywise this time and I'm going to stick to it. Pray that it works for us. Pray that we have a great second child, who just goes with the flow. Pray that God gives us exactly what we need and what we can handle.

This is a very long post, but I just needed to get it all out. I don't think anyone reads this boring thing anymore anyway. Oh well, my children will have it to look back on and that's all that matters.

2 comments:

Mama said...

I can tell you I check this blog daily, and am excited when I see that you've updated it. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your thoughts and feelings today. It all makes perfect sense...wanting something both ways...you love being pregnant, yet want to see her face...I get it! So just relax and enjoy these last few weeks...it will be over soon enough!!
Love you bunches,
Mama

Sam said...

lol...I read it all the time! And the two kids thing will work out I promise. Things were shaky in the beginning because everyone was adjusting, but things are just fine now and i couldn't imagine life without both of my babies. Samantha was definitely not a good baby...we had to put her in the car seat on top of the dryer to get her to go to sleep and sometimes she was inconsolable. So, of course I was a little apprehensive about the thought of another Samantha, but Matthew has been a great baby...very content. I guess God knows what he is doing when he blesses us with more kids...You'll be fine and I am soooo excited for you guys!

I think this is going to post as if Sam wrote this, but it's Michelle...I don't know how to switch to my login.