08 June 2009

Inside My Head....

Ugh. I know I have A LOT of blogging catching up to do. I really actually plan to do it when Makayla goes to bed. But first, there's something else I need to write about. I'm probably beating a dead horse, since I'm sure I've mentioned my fears before, but here goes....

I am and have been freaking out about having a second child. I am NOT pregnant. No. No. No. No. No. NO. I am NOT. BUT. I worry about it. Constantly. Not like I worry about being pregnant. I worry about having two kids, really. I worry about the logistics of it all. That probably sounds totally lame, but I do. Like, Makayla is already on such a good schedule, wouldn't another baby screw that up?

I think it's mostly because Makayla is almost at that age where I feel like it might be time for us to start trying again and that totally freaks me the freak out. I know there are people that are totally cool with it. I mean, come on, Makayla is going to be 18 months old on the 25th! But, I guess part of it is because she didn't sleep through the night until she was 11 months old. I'm sure part of that was my fault, but she was just never really a good sleeper. She (thankfully!) sleeps through the night and still usually takes two naps a day. I'm happy about that.

The other thing is, I'm really selfish. There, I said it. I'm sure all of you knew that already, but, I think I might be more selfish with my time than the average mom. 

I have been having these (I believe) irrational fears for a very long time now, but some information came my way today that made me think even harder about it. And while I am VERY happy for this particular person and all the love their family will have, I just don't know what I would do! :) But, that does not mean I don't want more kids. I want three, actually. I know everything is in God's plan and everything will happen when He wants it to and I may not even have any more children ever. And I could be okay with that. Eventually.

Okay, back to all of my fears.

Another one is, our house only has three bedrooms and my children will not share a room. It took me long enough to get Makayla to sleep through the night, I will not ruin her sleep with a screaming baby. I'm sure when we do have a new baby, he or she will sleep in our room until he or she is 3 months old, just like Makayla did, but I really love to be prepared, so the nursery would be set up long before I even had said non-existent child. So that extra bedroom we have right now will no longer be extra. We'll have to find a place for all that crap because I also do not believe in using a baby's room for storage for my junk. Their room is their room and it's only got their stuff in it. At least in my house. I'm hoping by the time we have a third child, God willing, we will have a bigger house.

Also, as far as my selfishness goes, I like having nothing to do while Makayla naps. I normally don't do any housework or cleaning of any sort during that time. Unless the mood really strikes me or it's only for a few minutes. I usually get on the computer or watch tv or read. I feel like that's MY time. And truthfully, it's really the only time during the day that I have without her around when I can actually do what I want and not feel like I'm neglecting her or not playing with her enough or whatever. All that to say that when we do have another baby, that baby will probably be awake when M is sleeping and then I'll really have NO time to myself. Wow, I'm selfish, but hey, this is my blog, so there. :)

I think every mom deals with the guilt factor. So the other thing I worry about is how having a baby will affect Makayla. Will she resent me? Will I still get to spend enough time with her? What about when I nurse the new baby? What is M going to do?

There are so many things going through my head about this situation. Like I said, I have been feeling like this for a long time and I'm just so worried and want everything perfect. I really do not believe this means I shouldn't have any more children, so please don't tell me that, okay? Just support me and tell me I'm normal? Aren't I??

I guess it's better that I'm thinking about all of this now before I am actually pregnant with a second child, right? That way I can have a plan in place for everything that's freaking me out. And don't get me wrong, whenever I am pregnant for a second time, I will be OVERJOYED. And I will love that baby just like I love Makayla. I just don't know if it's the right time for me yet. And I know God will work everything out and if we need to get rid of some crap, then so be it. And if I need to stop being so selfish (OBVIOUSLY), then so be that, too. That's the call of being a Mommy. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Ah. I loved reading that post. I have some of the same feelings. My fears begin, of course, with having another near-death experience delivery. I also feel that Samantha is older and the kids won't get along (like my sister and I...we fought all the time..2 1/2 years apart). I'm also getting ready to start my career and I'm stressed and I remember how stressful it was trying to get through school and worrying about who was going to take care of Sammy all day. I guess we all have different fears, but they are all valid or else we wouldn't worry about them. I really want baby #2...eventually...as long as the docs can promise me I won't die during a horrific c section.