So now I'm three days from my due date...almost two, since it's 10:43pm on Friday night as I write this.
We went to the hospital last night because I was having some contractions. Apparently not enough to get this baby to come out, though. They checked me and I'm only 2.5cm. Ugh. I know I'm so impatient and I guess I really shouldn't be because she's not even due until Monday. But I feel like I'm just ready to be in labor, do the whole thing and then have another baby. Although when we were leaving for the hospital and my mom was staying with Makayla, since it was her bedtime, I started bawling like a baby and hugging Makayla like crazy. It's totally different with the second one. Like I feel bad for having another baby.
I know it won't scar her for life or anything, but I guess it's just because once I have Addison, it officially means Makayla isn't my baby anymore. No matter what, she will always be the one that made me a mother. I love her so very much, I can't even put it into words. I know I will love Addison with the same fierceness, but I just felt guilty last night for almost having a baby. Maybe that's why she isn't ready to come out yet. She doesn't want me to feel guilty for bringing her into the world. Not that I feel guilty for bringing her into the world, because I don't. But I feel guilty for flipping Makayla's life upside down. I just hope Makayla loves Addison and that things won't be as stressful and as difficult as I'm imagining they will be.
I want to go into labor and I want to have my second beautiful baby. I want to start my new journey as a mother of two. And I want to do it now.